A Path through Grief
Loss is a normal part of life, but the death of a loved one is unmatched in producing emptiness and profound sadness. Your client’s world can slow down or stop. A different life appears, one in which the loved one will no longer be physically present. No one can give words that make the client feel better; there are none.
The grieving process is often seen as moving through five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In the denial stage, the person still cannot believe that their loved one is gone; they may hope to wake up and realize it was a nightmare or mistake. In the anger stage, the person experiences an intensity of all sorts of emotions, not just anger. In the bargaining stage, the bereaved offers to change a pattern of behavior in exchange for keeping a loved-one alive or for bringing them back. In the depression stage, they acknowledge the loss but feel a “never-ending” emptiness. In the acceptance stage, the person fully recognizes the new reality that the loved one is physically gone. Although these stages are typical, they are not always experienced in the same sequence or in the same way by different people.
A client’s loss and the grief that accompanies it are very personal; no two people are exactly alike. Others may share the experience of their losses and they may try to console the client in the only way they know how. But often the client can get stuck in the depth of the relationship that has ended, and healing from the loss takes months or years.
Trained facilitators in the technique of Traumatic Incident Reduction (TIR) can help after the loss of a loved one. TIR reduces or even eliminates the lingering negative effects of this type of trauma. As an example, Susan was caring for her father as he was dying of cancer. At the same time, other issues in her life weren’t going well. When her father passed on, Susan sank into a depression from which she couldn’t recover. Furthermore, her other issues were intertwined with her father’s death; thoughts of one issue would trigger thoughts of another. Through TIR and related techniques, Susan was able to release the negative impact, or charge, connected to the loss and gain insights about her situation. After 12 sessions, Susan’s depression changed to a positive interest in improving her life. Several weeks later, she called to say how well her life had turned around.
Although grief is a normal human experience, your client does not have to feel intense upset for months or years. As a TIR facilitator, you can help your clients do more about their pain than merely endure or learn to cope. Through applying TIR, you have the opportunity to show your clients that life after loss can still improve. Moving through grief can be a process in which we deepen understanding about ourselves and our loved ones. With TIR, the path through grief can be more rapid and healing.
By Margaret and Harry Nelson